I know my posts are usually fun .. running related and mostly light hearted with adorable pics of my kids.
This will not be one of these posts. This is going to be tough. Its going to be deep and its going to hurt.
I have often talked about the “mental” part of this weight loss being the hardest. What I haven’t shared is exactly to what extent and how damaged I truly am.
Here I go.
Straight from my heart.
I have written this post over and over in my head for months. My heart starts beating faster with each thought. My palms get sweaty and I become extremely nauseated, tears start streaming so I stop …. I cant put it off anymore I need to heal. I need help.
I am an addict. I am addicted to food and I am a binge eater. I have a disorder. A disease that takes over every ounce of my being at different times in my life.
So what is binge eating exactly?
People with binge eating disorder often eat an unusually large amount of food and feel out of control during the binges. Unlike bulimia or anorexia, binge eaters do not throw up their food, exercise a lot, or eat only small amounts of only certain foods. Because of this, binge eaters are often overweight or obese. People with binge eating disorder also may:
- Eat more quickly than usual during binge episodes
- Eat until they are uncomfortably full
- Eat when they are not hungry
- Eat alone because of embarrassment
- Feel disgusted, depressed, or guilty after overeating
About 2 percent of all adults in the United States (as many as 4 million Americans) have binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder affects women slightly more often than men.
Scary huh? I think everyone has a piece of this disorder in them, or almost everyone I know. I know when talk about certain “binges” a lot of people relate. What they dont know however is the frequency or automatically think it comes with purging. Not always ..not always for me … yes I said not always … so sometimes it does.
You might ask how I have lost so much weight while being a binge eater. Its a vicious cycle. I binge … I starve .. I binge .. I exercise .. I binge and thankfully (or not) the starving and exercise has negated the binging calories.
The binging is far less than it used to be but its still in my heart. Its still a big part of my mind and it does sometimes rear its ugly head and I give in.
The complications of being a binge eater are:
- High blood pressure
Type 2 diabetes High cholesterol
- Gallbladder disease and other digestive problems
- Heart disease
Some types of cancer
- Joint pain
- Muscle pain
- Menstrual problems
Out of all those it pains me to only be able to cross out 3! THREE!!! out of 13! 25%
For Coping and support the Mayo Clinic recommends:
- Ease up on yourself. Don’t buy into your own self-criticism.
- Identify situations that may trigger destructive eating behaviorso you can develop a plan of action to deal with them.
- Look for positive role models who can help lift your self-esteem, even if they’re not easy to find. Remind yourself that the ultrathin models or actresses showcased in women’s magazines often don’t represent healthy, realistic bodies.
- Try to find a confidant you can talk to about what’s going on. Together, you may be able to come up with some treatment options.
- Try to find someone who can be your partner in the battle against binge eating — someone you can call on for support instead of binging.
- Find healthy ways to nurture yourself by doing something just for fun or to relax, such as yoga, meditation or simply a walk.
- Consider journaling about your feelings and behaviors.Journaling can make you more aware of your feelings and actions, and how they’re intertwined.
If you have binge-eating disorder, you and your family may find support groups helpful for encouragement, hope and advice on coping. Support group members can truly understand what you’re going through because they’ve been there themselves. Ask your doctor if he or she knows of a group in your area.
I sit here after a great day. Full of food and fun. Why cant I stop? Why when there are cookies and pasta at a work lunch I have to keep eating and eating. Why when I am faced with more food in the next meeting, knowing I am not hungry… eat more. My head says this: I already went off plan, better do it up good and enjoy it. Tomorrow is a new day right and I will just not eat dinner to make up for the extra calories. I wish I was kidding.
I honestly dont know what the next steps are .. Isnt the first admitting you have a problem? Maybe with now going public I will be accountable and get consistent help. I will start to figure out the triggers and how to deal with them. I will go through those bullet points and be able to cross some off. I will once and for all start to heal.
My heart is racing and I pray I am brave enough to leave this post up. I pray this helps. I pray this is the start of a new beginning. I pray for some clarity, some strength.