I try to be as positive as I can. As uplifting and motivating .. but its not always sunshine and roses in my life. Definitely not in my running life.
In fact thats probably the worst part of blogging. Its not a “true” reflection of the in and outs. There are arguments had, yelling at kids, feeling like a horrible mother, wife, disappointment in myself, and all in all depression and sulking. I just choose to concentrate on the positive and while not a complete reflection of me 100% its a darn good portion of it!
Who wants to read something depressing? I can then ask myself, who wants to read ONLY the great stuff. This is my space and why I created this blog. The ups and the downs of my life and my journey and right now its in a pretty down position.
This weekend was the Hippie Chick Half. I was supposed to run. I knew I wouldnt be ready. In all honesty, I could have . I could have ran the quarter or walked some or … but I knew I would push myself. I knew I could hurt myself even more and it wasnt an option I was ready to deal with.
I chose not to run.
It was so hard watching everyone get ready for it and run it. My friends. Having a great time. Doing FANTASTIC! So proud of them, but I wanted to be there too. I was sad.
Then it hit me … Next weekend is the Rock N Roll Portland Half Marathon. The innagural. The first EVER. I signed up a year in advance to get the “special bib” I squeeeled with excitement when I saw the course was completely different than most Portland races. I dreamed of it being my first half after my surgery.
I chose not to run it either.
I am not ready. I wouldnt be and couldnt be at the top of my game so soon after surgery and recovery.
My first alternative was to walk it only.
I knew that would not be easy, walking it sure would be easy enough and totally possible, but emotionally … I couldnt handle the tears and emotions that would come with it. The disappointment I knew I would feel that I would not PR my first half back.
I decided to not even walk.
I decided to forego cheering my friends.
I am not strong enough and I have to be ok with that.
I will continue the training .. the SMART training I have been doing. The first set of training that has been slow, steady and FASTER than it ever has and I will improve more. I will be on my game and I will go into the smaller races this summer and straight to the Girlfriends in October with a killer PR.
I will run DisneyWorld Wine and Dine for fun with my friends FOR FUN I said. I want to take pictures with Mickey Mouse IN the night. Through the amazing parks and not worry about my time like I did at Tinkerbell. I will not be upset if I have to walk at all because I wont. I will do the best I can and then ….
I will run another half in December at the Holiday Half and PR again.
I know I am making the right decision but it hurts and leaves me sad.
I am sure that next Sunday while everyone is racing I am going to be in the fetal position (ok thats a exaggeration) but I am going to be running my 7 mile long on my schedule and through the tears I will continue to search for the positive and try to concentrate on the future rather than the right now.
I will remember this post and I will try to see the sunshine AND the roses!