Ya, believe it or not, that is me.
I dont know where the anxiety stems from. Why its so hard for me to be “social” in real life. What am I afraid of? Why dont I want to be close to people.
People dont believe me. They think its crazy because I am so outgoing and friendly. I am a huge people person and frankly its one of my biggest strengths, dealing with people. I struggle. I struggle A LOT!
It cripples me and I truly WANT to have close friends and close relationships but I fail and I dont follow through.
Dont get me wrong. There are a small chosen few (4 to be exact) and in all honesty one is my sister and the other forced themselves on me so I didnt resist and I like it. I love them and having them.
Why is this coming up tonight?
I usually brush it aside. I talk to A LOT of people online whether its facebook or email. I care about them all deeply but I never bring myself to make that leap and spend time with them in person. To build that relationship and bond and truly truly have friends outside my group. I wonder if I am afraid of judgement still? If its the fat girl in me? Is it that I have been disappointed so much in my life that I just dont want to trust anyone?
Tonight I saw that a very dear friend who I love so very much had an accident with her 2 girls. They rolled their vehicle 3 times and THANK GOD they all walked away. This is a friend I have spent time with. One who knows me deep and loves me for me. One who understands me and still loves me. One who knows my demons and still loves me. One who loved me when I was my biggest and one who loves me now. We talk all the time how we need to get together, how we are connected, but we dont make it happen.
Yes I am busy, yes there is always something to do, but I HAVE to make it a priority. She could be gone tonight and as I sit here and cry, I would have never forgiven myself for not making her more of a priority. She is going through a tough time and she needs me. She needs as many people as she can get. I am not a good “friend”. I need to make a better effort.
I want to fix this part of me that is broken. I want to have close relationships.
Now dont get me wrong, I still dont like people much and I still dont plan on hanging out with strangers or my neighbors or plan to be fake .. but I do want deeper relationships with those that I truly need in my life. Those I truly love and respect. I will figure this out. I will make an effort